Positive Parenting

Parenthood is often a rewarding experience as we see our kids grow, develop and explore their potentials. It should be a wonderful time in our lives, but it comes with its fair share of challenges. Sometimes we, as parents, fall short and make mistakes or have momentary lapses. 

With the stresses that come with economic volatility, social environments, political instability and more, it is not easy for parents to handle our worries as well as attend to our children. In addition, we have our own intrinsic challenges including emotional, relational and other personal factors. Unresolved life events, traumas, or childhood memories may even be triggered while we parent our kids. We might not have much time to care for our own well-being, but we still expect ourselves to be at our best. All of these things can make it difficult to be the best parent we can be, on top of that we are often not taught how to be a parent!

Here are a few tips for you to be the best parent you can be!

1. Understand and regulate your emotions

What is the typical home environment like in your household? How do you interact with your partner, your kids? Some environments are very quiet and reserved, some are problematic and volatile. The ideal home environment would encourages communication and is safe space.

Notice how the emotional dynamics play out with you, your partner and your kids, and how it can affect your moods and relationships with each member.

Do you take good care of your emotional health? Are you able to assess your emotional states and regulate them accordingly? Your emotions will not only affect the emotional state of your child, but the quality of the “attachment bond” formed between you and your child. It is crucial to learn to identify and self-regulate our emotions. Try using TMACK, a useful self-care acronym, to help regulate your emotions and build a healthy bond with your children. Set aside 10 minutes a day for “mindfulness” to develop a calmness, try to harness that and allow it to exude into your parenting.

 2. Positive Thinking Styles

In my practice, I have noticed mental barriers that parents develop through “unhelpful” thinking patterns that may be hindering their relationship with their child. Patterns like rigid thinking, over-generalization and catastrophic thinking are some examples of unhelpful, negative thinking styles. As a parent it is important to keep an open mind, be flexible in your thinking and to have realistic expectations for your child. It is natural to worry for your child and to want the best for them, but you can only act as a guide as they navigate through life. Consider if you are creating unrealistic expectations for your child or are using a negative style of thinking, putting unnecessary pressure and stress on them.

“Raising children, I realized, is more than just fixing what is wrong with them. It is about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.”

• Dr. Martin Seligman (1998 President of American Psychology Association)

3. Communicate with empathy

How do you typically communicate with your child? Are you simply talking to them or are you talking with them? Reflect on how your child might be perceiving your interactions and conversations. Oftentimes there are underlying, nonverbal messages our child is trying to communicate to us that is masked by complaining, arguing or talking back. Try to be conscious of the fact that they may be crying out for help, need reassurance or need someone to listen to but may not know how to best express that. Communicating with empathy is a key factor in helping our kids to feel safe and understood. In a world where everyone and everything wants a piece of your time, it is easy to communicate to your kids in a blunt and direct manner. While it might save you some time in your hectic schedule, it can have a detrimental impact on your relationship with them. It only takes a moment to be conscious of your intonation, to actively listen to your child’s stresses, worries and thoughts and to then validate those feelings. Taking the time to communicate with empathy and being intentional with your tone and words can help lower anxiety and foster better emotional expression in your child! This will in turn help them in their studies, social interactions and their overall happiness! 

4. Resolving conflicts at home

Conflicts at home, whether they be with your partner, your child or between your children, create additional headaches for parents, adding onto the stresses that come with everyday life. As much as we might try, conflicts are unavoidable in a family, it is unrealistic to think otherwise. Some families try to avoid conflict, seeing it as an indication of being a “dysfunctional” family. However this often breeds resentment and will hinder the building of relationships. Conflict can be an opportunity to grow, to resolve buried grudges and to settle differences. If approached correctly, this friction can be a catalyst for deeper connection and bonding within a family.

Resolving conflicts is not an instant process, it requires time and effort. I suggest first reflecting on your own part in the argument, then listening to the other parties involved, and discuss how you are all feeling. You might be able to uncover unspoken emotions and needs that your partner/child is seeking to be met. Identify the part you play and admit your mistakes or shortcomings, voice out your hard feelings, express your disappointments, adjust your  expectations, and communicate more empathetically. Most importantly, apologize. The point of a relationship is not to win arguments but to live in harmony and build stronger connections. When conflicts are resolved and managed healthily bonds grow stronger and everybody wins!