Be a Friend to your Daughter
The Mother - Daughter Bond
How is your relationship with your daughter? Do you feel close to her? Perhaps more importantly, does she feel close to you?
Mothers are a great resource to their daughters and an important source of support. As they get older and are faced with life’s challenges, such as social media, dating and career choices, that support is even more valuable. I have noticed that some mothers have found it frustrating when trying to connect with their daughters.
We all have the best intentions for our beloved daughters, but sometimes they don’t seem to “get it” or appreciate our efforts. It is disheartening to be on the receiving end of cold shoulders or eye-rolling accompanied with a “leave me alone,” trust me I know!
Through some introspection and reflection, some moms find that the relational dynamics with their daughter are similar to that of her and her own mother. “I care for her but she does not want to listen to what I have to say…” is something that I have heard several times. This can create a mental block for future situations such as these.
If you find yourself in frequent conflicts or disagreements with your daughter I would recommend reflecting on your interactions.
Are you speaking too intensely when together?
Are you empathizing with her?
Do you recognize what she needs from you? Does she just need a sympathetic ear or does she want you to help fix her situation?
It isn’t uncommon for mothers to miss the cues their daughters are sending out. We might be adopting the same undesirable dynamics that our own mothers had with us. This is called “intergenerational transmission” and can have an effect on how we parent our own children. It means that we might carry some unconscious emotions (resentment/hurt etc.) caused by unmet needs or hurt feelings during our childhood. It can result in over-reactions or anxiousness in your communication, leading to a lack of attunement and arguments.
When I explore a bit deeper with some mothers, they bring up memories of needing their own mother’s advice or comfort, but often felt they were not understood, heard or attended to by their mothers. This led to their need for attachment being left unfulfilled, and as a way to protect themselves, they tended to fight back, flee or shut down. This hurt eventually is buried and resurfaces when a similar situation or conflict arises. During conflicts with their own daughters they might respond in a similar fashion to how they would to a conflict with their mother. You may be unconsciously reacting according to previously unresolved emotions!
It is important to recognize the relational dynamics with your daughter and get help from a family therapist who can help identify underlying issues and build a healthier relationship. Apart from seeking help from a therapist, take a moment to reflect on yourself and your relationship with your daughter.
It is easy to get stressed and anxious as a mother having to juggle your career, your family life, and social obligations. If you are able, spend some time practicing self-care (refer to TMACK for a useful acronym!). Once you feel you are in a good mental headspace, I suggest going on a mother-daughter date! Go for an ice cream, tea, or coffee! Focus on actively listening to her, ask about her day and how she’s feeling. Don’t try to fix her or her problems, she might just want you to be there… and to listen.
Be patient with yourself and with your daughter, relationships take time and effort!