4 Relationship Tips to Use!

R-Tip #1

Differentiation

Couples come to therapy when they begin to discover that they are, in fact, very different. They forget that these differences are quite possibly the reasons they are attracted to each other. 

In a secure relationship, we are sure of our values, needs and wants. We are able to communicate these values to our partners while respecting our partner’s point of views, which could be different from our own. This is differentiation. We could choose to maintain or change our views, but ultimately, a connection with our loved-ones offers freedom and growth into a satisfying relationship.

R-Tip #2

A.R.E - Accessible, Responsive, Engagement  (Dr. S. Johnson)

Do you know your partner is trying to reach you?

Often couples who come to me for therapy tell me that their partners do not listen to them. It is a common theme. You listen to each other but do not know, care, or believe what the other person has to say. You may have preconceived assumptions and are quick to give solutions, not allowing them to fully express what they have to say. They want us to listen to their ideas, thoughts, joys, worries, sadness and unspoken emotions. They may not want you to fix the problem, just… to listen. If we are not aware of these dynamics, it becomes a blockage to empathetic communication. 

The acronym “A.R.E” reminds us to be accessible, be responsive, and be engaged with our partners in connecting with their thoughts and feelings.

R-Tip #3

The Four Horsemen (Dr. Gottman)

The four most detrimental traits for couples are:

1. Criticism 

2. Contempt 

3. Defensiveness 

4. Stonewalling 

Do you recognize any instances where these traits pop up?

Dr. Gottman recommends a soft start, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing as antidotes to these harmful interactions. The first step is to recognize when these interactions occur, that will allow you to address them. Talk to your therapist if you feel you want to work on changing these patterns in your relationships.

R-Tip #4

Couple Satisfaction Checklist

How satisfied are you with your relationship or marriage?

Rate these following items (from ‘Very Dissatisfied’ to ‘Very Satisfied’) and see if there are any areas you want to address or areas where there might be a disconnect with your partner’s rating. Express your dissatisfactions constructively and don’t forget to listen to your partner and reflect on your own traits and actions.

1. Degree of Closeness, Openness, Confiding, Sharing and Comforting

2. Expression of Affection and Care

3. Satisfaction with Sexual Intimacy

4. Handling Conflicts and Arguments

5. Expression of Anger, Criticism or Blame

6. Handling Family Finances

7. Handling of Parenting Issues

8. Handling of Household Tasks

9. Common Interests and Social Life

10. Degree of Respect and Admiration for Your Partner

11. Satisfaction with your Role in the Relationship

12. Satisfaction with your Partner's Role in the Relationship

13. Overall Satisfaction with Your Relationship